“You never loved me!”
I didn’t answer back. At the time, I didn’t know how. The accusation wasn’t true, yet there was truth in it. I had loved my ex-husband, even in that moment, but my love wasn’t that our-hearts-beat-as-one love. The soulmate, I-can’t-live-without-you “true” love.
You never loved me!
I felt the raw pain in his accusation. After three children and more than fifteen years of marriage, there it was, this half-truth squatting uncomfortably on the shards of our relationship.
That moment haunted me for years. The untrue truth didn’t prompt the demise of our marriage (we had other problems), yet for years, I struggled with the notion that I had a defect in my love gears that made me incapable of “true” love.
Is true love a childish fantasy or daydream? I don’t think so. I know couples who have “true” love, who feel they are soulmates. At times, I felt envious. I compared myself and wondered, “Why can’t I have that? Am I broken?”
In an effort to untangle the nature of my love mechanism and hoping to find out what was broken, I committed hours of thought and energy to these questions. I looked in, but I also looked out.
Looking out, I became aware that assumptions often made about “true” love and other relationships fall apart on scrutiny. Couples who feel they are soulmates are not without their ups and downs and missteps. Even soulmates must work on right relationship. Couples who don’t fancy themselves soulmates can enjoy depth of commitment and compassion. Old solid relationships may still have embarrassing middle-school moments, and budding ones often work through hurdles with maturity and wisdom.
Looking out, I confirmed what I already knew:
Romantic love comes in many sizes, shapes, and tones.
Looking in, I started defining the expectations I had going into a relationship and understanding the qualities I wanted in a partner and partnership. Pretty damn practical. Share in all things domestic, complete projects together yet have projects of our own, communicate with compassion and patience, journey together and journey apart. My list did not include requisites such as “must be my soulmate” or “I would die without him.”
The observations and introspection helped me understand that I wasn’t broken at all. Perhaps I guard my heart, perhaps my love is not “true” love as conceived by many. Yet I would argue that my love is true.
What makes it “true”?
I love my partner of ten years. We share, we fuss, we communicate, we have projects, we take trips, and we have independent interests and endeavors. Even though I don’t feel like we’re soulmates (he would argue we are), our love is good. True love? I would say that my love is true, yet I would hasten to point out that, were he to die tomorrow, I would not feel lost or devastated. I would be sad, deeply sad. I would mourn and grieve, but I would not fall apart. Is that because he’s not my soulmate? Is it because I guard my heart? I’m not sure what the answer is. I do believe, however, that the “trueness” of my love should not be measured by my dependence on the presence of that person.
For those who would accuse me of settling for a partner I can love instead of waiting for the soulmate I can’t live without, let me assure I didn’t settle. I chose. We chose each other. That said, I’m not writing this for those doubters. I’m writing this for the other people like me, who, at some point wondered if they were getting it all wrong, if they were incapable of true love, if they were broken because they couldn’t surrender their hearts with abandon. Perhaps our hearts are not wired for a soulmate quest or unfettered falls. Even so, our love is true.
Love is love.
We can make generalizations about love, define it, classify it, even qualify it. Those intellectual exercises confuse the love we live. I don’t believe in hard edges that define where you cross into or out of true love. Instead of ideals and definitions, I would have been better served as a young adult by this kind of advice:
- Don’t chastise yourself if your love doesn’t fit a standard definition.
- Observe others in love but don’t belittle your love for being different.
- Your unique love journey should start from within, loving yourself, understanding your expectations and needs.
- Be true to yourself and your love will be true.
My ex was a little right but mostly wrong. I did love him. In some ways I still do.
In the end, no matter what size, shape, or tone, love is love. Be true to it.
Copyright © 2015 (updated 2017) by Pennie Nichols, All Rights Reserved.