The greeting—How are you doing?—is common. This question is expected. Compulsory in some situations. And polite.

Or is it? Is it even real?

When you have ongoing trauma, drama, pain, and/or challenges, this question folds in answer-fatigue to your list of challenges, and puts you on the spot.

Do they really want to know or should I lie and throw it back at them?

“I’m fine. And you?”

A friend of mine with ongoing challenges decided to offer the question a choice: “Do you want the real answer or a polite answer?”

Sometimes they really want to know, but you’re tired. Tired of hearing yourself tell the honest answer. You want the story you’re living to be different. Better. Somehow.

How are you doing? is not the only hard question. When Mom was battling Alzheimer’s, the hard question to answer was How’s your mom?

Since her death and my efforts (and the challenges) to organize creative retreats on the farm, the hard question became How are things going on the farm?

When nothing has changed since they asked last month, does the “polite” answer become a flat, Same?

Beginning language students?

The first chapter of any introductory world-language textbook invariably includes the How are you doing? question.

• ¿Qué tal?
• Come stai?
• Como vai?
• Wie geht es dir?
• Comment vas-tu?

The responses are mostly the hollow polite answers we offer in real life (RL). Even the Bad, So-so, and Not well answers don’t contain the truth of the challenges and weariness.

And before you have a chance to ask, But what if I’m not…, the textbook jumps to a chapter on clothing, food, or subjunctive with lists of nouns, verbs, and rules. And all you wanted was a list of alternate greeting questions.

• What’s on your heart today?
• What’s bringing you joy this week?
• Where is your breath right now?
• What kind of day are you having?

Maybe in RL, we never test out of our intro class to a language we’re learning to speak, and our second-language textbook never offers better questions and real ways to answer.

My friend and I have toyed around with better questions, but even with mindfulness around the insensitivity of How are you doing? and the difficulty answering it, we both slip and catch the question jumping out of our mouths.

I think her offer of a choice—Do you want the real answer or a polite answer?—is the most generous response. It conveys both things: I’m still swimming in challenges and I’m weary of telling this story.

How do you answer when someone asks How are you doing? Do you give the polite reply, or the honest one? What’s a better question?

©Pennie Nichols. All Rights Reserved. 2025