Communication is important to me, but I still waffle between deep listening and hissy fits.

I was fighting mad and trying to tamp down the anger and urge to fight with good communication. That, I should know by now, never works for me.

I wanted to call out the behavior: “This is exactly what they mean by ‘white savior.’ You want to help but you don’t ask, ‘How? What do you need me to do?’ And then you don’t listen because you’re so sure your helpful idea is better anyway.”

When my frustration meter approaches furious, my best course of action is to walk away. Maybe later there will be an opportunity to talk, to guide, even to correct. But that hot, sweaty, and just-shut-up-and-listen moment is not the time.

I would normally say that modeling is the answer. But when you’re working with a demographic that doesn’t listen, my guess is their observational skills are not well-honed either.

Social justice is challenging work. It’s no wonder that many who are in need of it or who are in it to help are portrayed as red-faced, loud-mouthed, unhinged citizens. That portrayal is a gross injustice to the work, needs, and heart of those who seek or facilitate access to resources, equity, participation, diversity, and human rights.

Modeling is important and the most sane approach to influencing others, since what others choose to say and do is out of our control. But modeling is slow. Many of us will expire mid-modeling session before we reach the sense and awareness of most others.

Justifying Hissy Fits

Sometimes in my interpersonal relationships, I forgive myself for a heated hissy fit. Maybe it was necessary. Maybe it was the only way to communicate the importance of the point. But I also wonder if the calmness that comes in the wake of a walkaway—although slower and more nuanced—is better, at least when it comes to trivial disputes like how to mow a yard.

I doubt modeling alone will ever be enough for social justice concerns, because very few are skilled in deep listening. To those who bow up and protest, “I AM listening,” I’d ask, “Are you really?”

Deep listening is hard. Deep listening requires a loosening of the connections that bind your logic. It requires allowing different possibilities and, sometimes, two seemingly opposing possibilities to exist in the same space.

Many “white saviors” begin their mission with good, even noble, intentions. But if they don’t have their deep listening ears on, they will miss the mark and might find themselves in the heat of a justified hissy fit.

©Pennie Nichols. All Rights Reserved. 2025