I struggle with deservingness. She’s the sister struggle to enoughness, that I’m-not-enough battle.
My church printed “You are enough” bag tags. Mine goes with me every time I leave the house. Maybe I should print a bag tag that reads “You are deserving.”
Part of the source of this struggle might be that our capitalist culture frames “deserving” and “enough” as transactional. We have to accomplish a mysterious set of milestones to reach enough or to climb to the deserving peak. This culture grinds us down and turns our search for merit outside ourselves, looking for it through others in that crippling cult of comparisons and status.
We can’t avoid all comparisons and classifications (our brain needs them). So how do we meet ourselves where we are and embrace that profound sigh of knowing, I am enough; I deserve good things?
A few days ago, I had what bordered on a difficult conversation with my dear friend and accountability partner. After listening to me recount a family and financial struggle for the 32nd time in as many weeks, she pointed out my troubled relationship with obstacles.
Obstacles
“You keep looking for meaning in the obstacle.”
She reminded me that obstacles will mean what we decide they mean. When we hit an obstacle, it doesn’t mean “You’re not enough” or “You’re not deserving.” It doesn’t mean, “Go this way, not that way” or “Keep going” or “Give up already!” The obstacle means what we decide it means.
Do I want what’s on the other side? That’s the question.
When I’m clear on the answer, then I can take action. I deserve all good things. And I decide if my good thing is on the other side of the obstacle or lies in an entirely different direction.
I am enough. Whether I crush the obstacle, crawl under or over it, or walk away from it, I am enough. And I deserve the good things.
I’m still on the fence about the obstacles I’m facing —they are not trivial —but after the conversation with my friend, I feel more at peace and in touch with my deservingness. In a few days, my friend will hold me accountable for the fence I’m on and how I’ll deal with the obstacles. I might squirm a bit but I’ll be in a better place.
How do you face obstacles? Do they challenge your feelings of self-worth and deservingness? Do you have a friend or an accountability partner to help you work through those feelings? I hope so. And if not, stay tuned because I’ll nudge my accountability partner to get off her fence and write her self-help book on deservingness and obstacles already. Her tips are solid.
©Pennie Nichols. All Rights Reserved. 2024
Of course you deserve good things. Take it one day at a time.
Perhaps a bag saying “I am enough, and I deserve good things?” Because both are true.
I have to think about an obstacle a bit. At first, it’s “oh no, not something else to deal with”. But then I give it a little time (unless it’s a true emergency). Time for research. Time to make a decision. My latest one is getting a letter from my dentist saying 1-1-25, he is no longer in network. Find a new dentist? Stay with him and pay the extra $$$? Find new coverage? Any other options? Whatever I decide, it won’t be the last time I hit a bump in my road, and each bump adds to my general knowledge. Alana ramblinwitham
We’re at the age when our favorite medical folks are retiring! Fortunately for me, my dentist’s replacement was one of my daughter’s HS classmates and she happens to be a fabulous dentist.
I think women especially wrestle with being deserving of things. Some think they’re being selfish to have desires and ambitions. Many men I know take it for granted that they deserve the goodies in life. Hopefully, women these days are getting better at going for what they want.
I hope you’re right. I have to work on it every day.
I think the struggle, initially anyway, is part of the process between identifying the struggle and developing a strategy. In order to make I decision, I often have to wallow in it (or marinate on it), until I’m ready to face it.
Good point. There is some gap time defined that is often where struggle manifests.